Broken yet Building
It has been over a month since I last wrote. In my previous posts I highlighted:
- How grief is so hard, so painful and yet there is beauty in the pain – as this grief-pain reminds me of the love I have for Sam
(read: Gratitude and Grief). - I shared a story of how Sam took courage in a moment of fear – feeling lost, and how Tina and I must now do the same. We need to have the courage to take on the new paths before us
(read: Lost).
These thoughts/ reflections remain true. Tina and I continue to experience deep grief pains. Most everyday there is at least one period of tears – for our love of Sam has not diminished and our hearts ache. Yet each day, though having moments of fear of lost-ness, we also take courage to act – to simply move.
Our lives have been shattered. We are broken.
Yet we are committed.
We will take care of one another, and
We will rebuild… we are… but it is a slow process.
Broken
Working through grief takes incredible energy. We choose to take courage. We desire to move down new paths. Yet many days this seems so hard, almost impossible.
Soul paralysis
What I had not recognized during the initial weeks and months is that I am broken. Though I desire to move, and I may choose to move forward, my mind and body do not not respond. Sam’s death was/is traumatic. I am healing slowly but the injuries are more extensive than I was originally aware. Initially, the grief-pain was all I was aware of. Over the last month I began to see what I am calling a soul-paralysis. Though I choose to move, though I choose to take courage it seems that neither mind nor body respond. I know that this is not a permanent state. I know we will find ways to move forward and in reality we are moving (just slower than I would expect). In the meantime we give ourselves grace, we allow time to heal.
Time traveller
The concept of soul-paralysis is not fully adequate. In an attempt to understand this I have begun to call myself a time traveller. Perhaps more accurately, is that a part of me has resisted the flow of time – everyone else is moving but a piece of my soul remains with Sam in the early morning of Oct. 8 – I hold onto that last hour, those last minutes and seconds. I still see him, I take joy in his breaths; hold his hand, feel his presence. Though remaining there may be a source of pain, I am content to remain. I do not want to let go. Part of me dreads the day when I will come to realize that I have loosened my hold. Oh that I will always be able to go back. These memories are precious.
Building
A clear sign to us that we are in fact moving forward, though slowly, is that now, following the initial period of shock, are able to perceive the empty time/ space in our lives. Time, especially in the evenings, that has nothing in it. Currently, we often do not have capacity or inspiration for how to fill it. This space also brings new grief-pains. This available-time is time that we would have spent with Sam: talking with him, encouraging him with homework, running him to see friends, to youth group, or to watch him play basketball. This empty-time is time that we would have spent parenting Sam. We loved how full our lives were. Now there is emptiness.
We will rebuild our lives and so we will take the empty space and build something new. It is impossible to rebuild what we had because Sam is not here.
We must create something new. We are blessed to have some incredible building materials:
- Faith. We believe in redemption, that light and goodness can come out of the darkest things.
- Sam. The love we shared with him and the life we lived with him and the man he was becoming and the faith he had and the legacy he left. We will forever be changed by having him in our lives and he will be an integral part of what we build next.
- Each other. We have always been great partners in life. This has never meant that we do things the same. In reality we do things very different but we have always made each other stronger. Even in our grief this holds true.
- Our people. Family, friends, and church and larger communities. We have such a strong community in large part because of our life with Sam. Our friend circles and greater community is broader/ deeper because of Sam.
I do not know how we will fill our lives.
I do know that we are choosing to move forward
trusting/ in-faith that there is much good life to live,
and love to give.
There will be new purpose.
New joys. New hopes and dreams.
Living Life
Life through the holidays
- Christmas was actually okay. I think we had been able to mentally prepare ourselves for it and we had a good day spending time with family. We watched our nephews open gifts and took joy with them in that. We also enjoyed time together on our own at home.
- The weeks, especially the first week, following Christmas were hard. In those days our grief-guard came down. In reality, it is impossible to keep it up too long. Nor would it be healthy to do so. During that time the waves were intense. It was hard to move.
- We were able to rally by the end of December and we made a road trip back to bring in the new year with family in Whiterock (Nana Mary and the Frickers). It was good to be there but also hard as almost all of our memories outside of Children’s/RMH for the past year and a half was at this home. A few days later we had a chance to visit with the Townsends. We were surrounded by the love of all of the family there, and had the honour and joy of meeting the newest member of the family, Amanda and Julien’s little boy Oliver Samuel.
January
The new year brought new challenges of readjusting back home, again without Sam, and a lack of established life patterns. Though the grief continues there are still good highlights from our weeks. We continue to have great days. Some highlights in January include:
- Volunteering. Tina has continued to meet with the grade 11s at Cedars. She has been especially intentional about encouraging/ investing in the young women there. This is a source of joy to her and she is grateful to be able to still be a part of Sam’s community.
- I am continuing to engage more with work. I have a great team and I continue to feel the support of my colleagues at the research forest and at the university. I am working at about 50% of normal.
- Our community has continued to provide beautiful and intentional care: providing meals, visits often over coffee, dog walks, hot tubs, and visits in our home or theirs. Thanks to you all.
Victories and Heart Aches
We remain in the waves on a daily basis but we are also engaging in the world. We are cared for. We are having great days.
Our hearts remain tender. It remains easy to get taken down by grief-pains.
We are thankful for the extraordinary effort of friends and family to gather around us to care for us.
We are thankful for many messages of care and solidarity with us as we grieve.
We are thankful for many special messages reflecting what Sam has meant to people.
We are thankful for the simple precious moments we had with Sam.
We are mindful of friends and families – those that remain in the fight to see their children through incredible health challenges (cancer or other). We hope with you and we will continue to celebrate your wins!
We are mindful of friends and families – who have seen their children die. That they are in similar grief storms. We grieve with you. Our hearts break again for your loss.
Our hearts ache. We grieve. Yet Sam is free of disease.