Gratitude and Grief
Gratitude
It has been a full two weeks since Sam’s memorial. We have been processing a lot as we continue to move through our grief.
During this time Tina and I have been the recipients of so much love. First, in the weeks since coming home the community has rallied to meet a really practical need – ensuring that we are eating well. It has been freeing to not have to worry about meal planning.
Two weeks ago we had Sam’s celebration-of-life/ memorial service (recording of service).
We are grateful for our community who showed up and conveyed their love and support to us, our family, and one another. The service itself was beautiful and everyone who shared did amazing – you honoured our boy. Following the service we received hugs for two hours straight. We are grateful that so many people came from near and far to share their love and support for us. In addition, many shared their support by joining the live broadcast of the service and sending notes of love to us.
We are grateful for Sam’s classmates. Two days following the memorial service, Nov. 25th, would have been Sam’s 16th birthday. This day could have been a really hard day but we ended up having something to look forward to: Sam’s class from Cedars came to throw a party. They planned it all themselves and arranged for some adult support where they needed it. The group arrived shortly after classes ended bringing with them a fully equipped party. It was exactly what Sam would have dreamed of for a perfect party – all his friends in the house playing games, sharing food and cake. It was beautiful to have everyone here. It was incredible to have our home filled with the joy of Sam’s friends.
We are also grateful for friends who are not afraid to share their own grief with us. We know that we are not the only ones grieving. It is beautiful that our Sam was so loved.
Grief
Grief … is hard.
Grief … is exhausting – mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Grief … simply hurts – it is painful.
All of the love and support we have received does make life easier. It is important to know that we are not alone. It has been wonderful to receive the love and support of our community.
but …
There is a gaping hole in my heart. Some might say it is a Sam shaped hole – but that is too nice, too clean. If it is a Sam shaped hole it is a hole where Sam was ripped from me, all the edges are frayed and torn, and no shape is recognizable. This grief wound is raw and painful and nothing seems to soothe the pain.
I must learn. I must accept … that this hole in my heart will be part of me for the rest of my days.
Yet even now. Even now, I am learning that I can cherish this pain. I do not need this pain to lessen. I am not even sure I want this pain to become less. This pain is my link to Sam. How important he was/ is to me.
There is a beauty in the pain. Perhaps, when experiencing this grief-pain, I will learn to cherish the beauty of this pain – the love that I have for my boy.
Recent days
In this time of grief we continue to remain gentle with ourselves. Generally, we are taking on 1-2 activities in a day. Each day we remain committed to have a great day. Oh yeah! Each day we do. This past week:
- Sunday we made it to church – this was the first time we actually made it into the service and allowed ourselves to engage with the broader community. It was the first Sunday of advent and the theme was Hope …. one of the elders spoke of where she had seen hope in the world this year and she gave tribute to Sam’s courageous hope.
- On Mondays Sam’s Grade 11 class has invited us to join them for their lunch break. This past Monday we brought Tim-bits and hot chocolate as a token of thanks for their gift to us on Sam’s birthday. We were again surrounded by the love and energy of this class.
- Tues. & Wed. I went to work for the mornings. Tina was at home with her mom, facilitating visits for her as it was her first time back to Prince George since Tina’s dad passed last September.
- Thursday we took Tina’s mom to the airport. She had been staying with us the last two and a half weeks. It was great to have her here during that time – good for all three of us.
- Friday was more of a day off, just the two of us, resting and starting to figure out how to do this new life together. Ended the evening with a dinner out at a friends house.
Victories and Heart Aches
Our hearts ache. We are committed to moving forward but this is hard work.
We are thankful for the extraordinary effort of friends and family to gather around us to care for us.
We are thankful for many messages of care and solidarity with us as we grieve.
We are thankful for many special messages reflecting what Sam has meant to people.
We are thankful for the simple precious moments we had with Sam.
We are mindful of friends and families – those that remain in the fight to see their children through incredible health challenges (cancer or other). We hope with you and we will continue to celebrate your wins!
We are mindful of friends and families – who have seen their children die. That they are in similar grief storms. We grieve with you. Our hearts break again for your loss.
We long for the day when
Our hearts ache. We grieve. Yet Sam is free of disease.