On Grief and Beauty

How living feels like we are in constant paradox

Celebration-of-Life Planning/ Memorial

WHEN: On Saturday Nov. 23rd at 2:00pm we will have a celebration-of-life/ memorial service for Sam. WHERE: This will take place at Westwood Church here in Prince George. (map). A legacy fund in honour of Sam is being established for those who would like to give gifts. Please share with us your memories of Sam. Note: It is our intent to have this time live streamed and recorded.

Memories Legacy Fund

All are welcome
Additional details to follow

Arriving Home

Re-entry

Sept. 2022 we went on a hike to Raven Lake with friends – it is amazing to think of when Sam was strong and healthy.
Samuel Justin Colin Chisholm
Loved and mighty warrior.
2008-11-25 – 2024-10-08

We did it – we got home. We split the trip up over a couple of days (Oct 18-19). There were periods of many tears on this journey and this is all so hard. Yet, we are doing it together – allowing one another to grieve and cry.

We made it home this past Saturday afternoon.

Entering our house was one of the hardest things I have done. During that first hour of being here I thought I might break – mentally/ emotionally. After more than a year-and-a-half of fighting we were supposed to arrive home together – the three of us.

This hurts.

We were supposed to win.
We were supposed to return home whole.
Now we return having lost.
We returned incomplete.

Our mighty warrior died. Everything is wrong.
And everything in the house reminds us of him.

Paradox

The mind is a funny thing. Yes, I felt like I would break. Everything here reminds me of Sam. Yet that which causes so much grief-pain is also so full of beauty for the precious memories that they represent. The picture of us hiking is a great example. I found it on Sunday as I was starting to unpack and clean up¹. Stumbling across pictures of Sam can cause intense waves of grief – he is gone and we cannot get him back. This picture represents Sam when he was so strong a time before any of this ever happened. It hints at what could have been.

This picture also holds such precious memories and reminds us of beautiful times. Times of joy and adventure as a family, and good times with friends. It reminds us of the love that we share.

Being home is a paradox.

In the moments it can be so hard to be here.
Yet there is no other place I would rather be.

This is our place. Our home full of love. …
Though there is pain and the tears still flow
  they are tears of love.

Choices

We are doing it. We are moving through our grief. I have no idea how long this will take. I only know that the waves come and sometimes very unexpectedly. Despite this ongoing grief-storm we are continuing to move forward together. Some of the choices that we are making include:

• Never fear the tears.
• Be gentle with ourselves.
• Accept the love offered. We are starting to engage. We have an incredible community loving and supporting us.
• Extend love. First to one another and then to those that enter our lives.
• Keep taking steps – sometimes literally.
• Keep getting outside for activity – accept the warmth of the sun.

Finally, we make the choice each day: We’re going to have a great day! Oh Yeah!

Victories and Heart Aches

• Our hearts ache. We are committed to moving forward but this is hard work.

• We are thankful for the extraordinary effort of friends and family to gather around us to care for us.

• We are thankful for many messages of care and solidarity with us as we grieve.

• We are thankful for many special messages reflecting what Sam has meant to people.

• We are thankful for the simple precious moments we had with Sam.

• Thankful for great times, especially for Sam:

  • Cedars Grade 11 trip (Sept 8-11): Our soul-hearts have been refreshed! Filled with the love of friendship. It was incredible to see Sam have time with his friends from school. The students and the leaders from Cedars have lifted/blessed all three of us.
  • It was amazing to see Sam join the Ness Lake Bible Camp team (July 28 - 31) . He served, ran, talked, played – he got to be fully there! Many thanks to the NLBC team who welcomed him in. When Sam needs to think of a happy place he returns here in his mind and he is quick to share stories of these days.

• We are thankful to the medical team here at BC Childrens’ Hospital. Sam never lacked for incredible care.

• We are thankful for all the days that we lived at RMH.
  It was a gift to have a place to stay so close to the hospital. The Ronald McDonald House (RMH) provided us a home away from home. This place is an amazing example of charity at work.

• Thankful for such supportive family and friends caring for us all through this journey.

• We long for the day when
  Our hearts ache. We grieve. Yet Sam is free of disease.

Footnotes

1. Unpacking and cleaning up is not just from this trip but from the others when we thought we were returning home. Since April of 2023 we have lived in our own house a total of 15 days. And when we left back then we did not leave the house in-order.